What was, isn't

Change is a funny thing. When I go through my day-to-day life, it feels like I’m doing the same thing every day. I wake up, go to work all morning, go to class all afternoon, then read and do homework most of the night until I go to sleep. Then it just repeats the next day and the day after, and it seems a lot of things mostly stay the same.

But when I look back, so much has changed. A year ago, I’d have never guessed that I’d be where I am today. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that my brother’s girlfriend would be living with me and we’d be sharing a room my senior year of college, that I’d randomly buy a plane ticket to Colorado to go on a ski trip with my friends, that I’d suck up the courage to take a 4.5 hour road trip by myself, or that I’d be finishing up an internship where my co-workers became like my family away from home.

What’s even scarier than that though, is looking at the next month, I know much more is about to change. I’m going to graduate from college in 24 days. 24 days until the real-world starts. Right now, I have no idea where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. I could be packing my bags and moving to Connecticut, I could be packing my bags to travel the US for a different position, or I could end up back at home, or even none of the above. I really have no idea right now, but whichever the case, I’ll be different than this moment here right now, and that’s something I’m both ready for but yet sad to leave. Though it seems like it passed in the blink of an eye, this place has been my home for the past 4 years. I’ve got friends and co-workers who have become friends who will all be here, and I’m absolutely terrible at saying even a small cya-later to one person, so possibly moving states away and being away from everyone isn’t something that will be the least bit of fun.

I don’t like big changes and I hate making decisions. Trying to figure out what I want to do after graduation has been a task. It’s something I think about most of the time, and something I was terrified of at first. There’s been a lot of thoughts, tears, and prayers, and luckily I’ve got a handful of supportive people in my life who’ve been guiding me through it all. Though it is still scary, it’s become more of an exciting time.  Those around me continue to tell me how they wish they’d traveled when they could have, how I’m young, so get out of Bloomington for a while if I have the chance. And slowly, something inside of me has changed.

I thought I wanted to stay here. I love the area and its close to home. But, I know that there’s a big world out there with a lot of opportunities. I thought I’d graduate college and probably continue on with the company I interned. I thought I’d have my life a little more figured out than I do. How I think isn’t always how life happens, but that’s the beauty of it. Though I do hate not knowing what’s going to happen next, I know it’ll be just fine.

My faith has become my rock this year. When life gets hard, when I lose people I didn’t want to lose, when I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, when I’m happy, sad, lost, confused, lonely, afraid, regardless the emotion, I’ve learned its pointless to worry or stress about it. God has a plan and knows what He’s doing. Whether I allow myself to believe that and trust that everything will be fine is up to me. I can try to do it on my own, but I’ve tried that plenty of times in the past, and let me tell you, it NEVER works. There’s a big sense of peace that comes with trusting that everything will happen according to His plan. It’s waiting on His timing that’s the hard part.

It’s the waiting that’s always gotten me. I just want to know right now what will be. I don’t like not having the answers to questions and I want to know the plan for tomorrow, today. I want to know what’s about to change so I can prepare myself for it. Life is unpredictable and we can never tell what’s going to happen. We could have something all planned out, and it could change in a matter of seconds. Living in the moment has become something I’ve gotten better at in the past year. Looking back, I always tried to plan for the future. But now, I just have to be patient and just take the next step each day that I’m given.

It’s a slow process and I’m putting one foot in the other every day. It might seem like nothing is changing, but I know that when I look back in a year, or even a few months, God will have taken me to places I can’t even imagine. So yes, change can be scary, it can be something unexpected, but it can also take you to incredible places and to meet amazing people, and it'll all seem worth it. 

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't even know what tomorrow holds. I know changes are coming. I don't know what they are just yet. But what I do know is that our God is an awesome God and He will lead us all where we're meant to be in the right timing. He'll bring us to the job we're meant to have, to the person we're meant to spend the rest of our lives with, to the friends who will be by our sides through all the ups and downs of life. 

Changes can be scary, but the way I'm beginning to see it is that we've been given this moment, the people in our lives, the opportunities to do things because everything is shaping us to who we're meant to be. People will be your friend one day and the next year you could be strangers. Some people are meant to be a part of our lives forever, but others are not. Jobs may last a year or 2 months. Things changing make life interesting, it makes it challenging, it makes it sad and it can make it fun and exciting. There are lots of emotions that come along with change, but shouldn't we be grateful for it? It helps us appreciate who we have and what we have.  As my business professor always says "What was, isn't. And what is, might not be." Just have faith that there's a much bigger picture behind the changes in your life. It might not make sense now, but maybe one day you'll look back and finally realize what God was up to all along.

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