With decisions come changes, with changes comes feelings of uncertainty. Uncertainty, fear, second-guessing oneself. We've all been there, haven't we? We get to a point in our life when we have to make a choice about something. Stay the same, or change our path. What do we do if we don't know what to do?
There's so many questions running through our heads. What if it's the wrong decision? What if I don't take the opportunity, or what if I do? It's hard. So hard. I've been there the past month and it's been a rollercoaster. In the past month, I've had interviews and I've had to make decisions. I packed up suitcases and moved to Michigan and I started a new job where I didn't know anyone.
I moved in with my sister, and I have a few friends up here, but still. I went from having my own room, to living in my nieces' room and having 3 little munchkins around after work. From having my parents around to hang out and spend time with, to being 300 miles from them. To being a short drive from my brother so I could stay at his place for the weekend, to being a mess because I can't be with him on his birthday. Being a five minute drive to substitute teach, to having to drive 20 minutes and then walk 12 minutes to the office. Change. A new city, new office, new colleagues. New streets, more traffic.
I'm not good with it. I hate changes and I don't like feeling uncomfortable. It's crazy though, because in the past month, a few people have told me how I have my life all figured out, and how they feel stuck. It caught me off guard. Me.. Having my life figured out? Do you know me?! I just laughed because it's the farthest thing possible from the truth. I am awful at making decisions, I hate change, and the one thing I can commit to is my bed and food because I know it's always there. I haven't technically had a "real" job since I graduated, and I care way too much sometimes.
Right. But it's so far from the truth, because I'm just the same as whoever is reading this. I'm lost in the crazy thing of life. I've been searching for my place in the world, for the right job, for the right person to spend my life with, for so many things that I have no control over. I've heard the song Good Good Father on the radio and my pandora quite often lately and it's been hitting home for me.
Oh, and I've seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide
Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
I'm here. I've got a new job. I'm surrounded by new people and new responsibilities. I work new hours and I find myself working, working out, eating and sleeping because it seems that's all of the time I've got by the time I get home from work. Still, searching.
I've went to three different churches in the three weekends i've been here. It's not the same and I didn't think I'd find one that I liked as much as before, but I did. This week I went to one that felt like home, and I got so excited. I find myself driving on a road near our house because it leads out to the country roads where there's tons of different barns, and I just aimlessly drive and look at them all because I miss being on the farm.
Do I regret coming here or feel like I made the wrong decision? No. I prayed and prayed and I still pray and pray about where I am. I know I'm where I am for a reason, I encounter people for a reason. I spend time with people and I don't see others because God has a plan for all of it. All I know for certain is that all I can do is love and be joyful and pray. I can do my best to make a difference where I'm at, while praying that God continues to lead me from here.
That I'll fulfill His purpose for placing me here, now. That I can be joyful, loving, understanding, helpful, patient. That I'll be light to those in the darkness. That I'll make a difference, somehow.
He knows what I need, and He knows that I'm continually searching for answers only He can provide. For the right job for me, for the right boyfriend to spend my life with, for the right group of friends and the right church to attend.
So we all have questions.. We all have fears, failures, decisions to make, regrets, uncertainties. It's a part of life that we all go through, but the cool thing is God already knows. He already knows every question we're going to have, every decision we'll have to face, every trial we'll try to overcome.
He knows we'll try to do it on our own.. He knows we'll get frustrated sometimes and break down, He knows it all. He's love. He's peace. He's perfect in all of His ways. The great thing is He's always there. When we feel alone, when we feel afraid, not good enough, unloved.. All we have to do is talk to Him. Tell Him how we're feeling and know that He's wrapping His arms around us.
Before we even ask, He's there waiting for us to finally turn to Him. To give it all up to Him so He can show us how much He loves us and would do anything for us. He sent His Son to die for us. He knew we'd be sinners. He knew we would take Him for granted. He knew we'd stray from the path He created for us. Yet, He still saved us.
And that's what gets me by. I by no means have my life together at all. There's so many things that are uncertain right now, and probably will be for awhile. What I've learned to do is trust. Trust that God will bring me through it, that He'll lead me, and that I'll be the person He created me to be.
Change is scary and it can wreak havoc in our lives sometimes, but those are the times when we get to see just how amazing our God is. You're loved. You're loved perfectly, endlessly, abundantly. You're beautiful, you're worth it. You deserve the best, and should never settle for anything less than what God has planned for you. Don't be afraid when He leads you somewhere that you've never been, because it's then that He'll show you just how incredible His power is.