Live like that

             Do you ever wonder if you’ve ever changed someone’s life? Whether something you said or did really could have impacted them in a way that they could never forget? It’s crazy to think that just a smile or a friendly hello could be the one thing that someone needed that day to make it better. What about the example you lead in your daily life? Do you ever think that the way you talk to other people, the way you handle yourself, the way you handle happy times and bad times could be the only thing that someone has to look up to, and your responses could dictate the way they handle whatever it is they’re dealing with in their life.

            I’ve never really had to deal with deaths until about the past year. Sure, I’d been to calling hours and funerals growing up, but I don’t think I really truly understood what was happening, and none of them were ever family members or anyone I was close with, so it just seemed like something I was doing because I was going with my family who had been friends with them. However, beginning in February of last year, that all changed. First was the man who had been a grandfather figure to me, then a sweet friend who was only a senior in high school, followed by other family friends and recently a young boy from my brother’s high school class.

            I wasn’t a fan of it at all. It was a pain I didn’t want to feel, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. The night that Ryan passed away, I had a dream about him. He was still there, but one of our other friends had passed away. He told me that no matter what, he’d always be right here in my heart. I woke up crying, and wished I could go back to that moment, just so I could talk to him one more time. It’s weird how death can make you remember things that you typically wouldn’t. I can picture walking down the stairs by my dorm on my way back from class two weeks before his death, reading the last text message that he sent me. I remember calling him freaking out when my friend and I were lost in Grandville and we had no GPS (because that was before those really existed), or the time he met me at McDonald’s and gave me one of those giant hugs when I was dropping my sister off before I headed back home, the time my niece and I painted him and a few other players numbers on our faces for their hockey game. Small simple moments then, but now they hold such importance. He was one of a kind, and though he was a few years younger than me, he impacted my life in so many ways that I’m thankful for every single day. He didn’t perform any grand deeds or try to stand out; he was just being himself, being goofy, sweet, loving Ryan, and his character, his faith, his family, his love for this country, his love for everyone around him are the wonderful things about him that we remember and that continue to leave a legacy to people all over, every single day.

            With the death of the boy in my brother’s class, one of his friends was talking to me about it. He was upset, and had a lot of questions. He didn’t understand why God would take someone so young like that. He asked whether I would ever want to sit down with God and just ask Him why he had to do that, what was the purpose? Did I ever doubt God or get mad at Him when He took someone I loved? Yes, it was hard. It was very hard. Death can either turn someone away or bring him or her closer to God. Ryan was so strong in his faith, for being so young. The way he handled himself and the way he loved and included every person around him, you’d know right away that he loved God more than anything. His faith is something that encouraged me during that time and everyday since then. Instead of getting mad, I leaned on God harder and harder - it was these tough times that brought me closer to God. He probably had no idea that he had impacted so many lives, but I know now that he’s smiling down on us everyday with that big grin on his face, seeing all of the lives he’s still impacting on a daily basis, the way he gives us strength and courage to push through and be the love the world needs, even when it gets hard.

            So no, I can’t say that I got angry at God when He continued to call those sweet people home. It’s something that does take time to heal, and the world never really seems right without them, knowing that I can’t pick up the phone or go visit them, but I know that they’re all in a much better place. I read an article tonight about a neurosurgeon that was in a coma and went to heaven during that time. In it, it said, “The experience of the afterlife was so “real” and expansive that the experience of living as a human on Earth seemed like an artificial dream by comparison.” And another, “The fabric of the afterlife was pure LOVE. Love dominated the afterlife to such a huge degree that the overall presecnce of evil was infinitesimally small. If you wish to know the Universe, know Love.”

            How could I get mad at a God who took his child home to experience this? I can only imagine what heaven is like, and there’s no way that I could be mad he’d take someone from living on this earth, full of hate, crimes, wars, fighting, and sin, and take them where there is nothing but love, something that makes this life we are living seem like a dream. It’s hard to wrap my head around, but where they are now, is so much better than where we are here. All we can do is live our lives and be encouraged by them, and know that someday, we too will be up there and we’ll be laughing together like we used to, talking like we were never apart.

            So that gets back to my original question. I think about it sometimes, whether I’ve really impacted anyone’s life. I know that I have a handful of friends who have impacted me in ways I could never thank them enough for. I want to live a life like that, to spread love and compassion wherever I go, to make a difference to someone who might have given up hope. I look around and see so much brokenness, and I just want to wrap my arms around everyone. I live encouraged by those who I’ve lost, knowing that they are always there, that I can look up or close my eyes or just be and talk to them, and feel them as they are watching over me. There aren’t any grand gestures that need to be done. No, just be who you are, be love, be kind, be compassionate, be you. You’re all that you can be, and you’ll always be good enough. And who knows, maybe you’re the one that someone looks up to only a daily basis to get them through this crazy thing we call life.